For LGBTQIA+ daters with ADHD, modern dating apps can feel like a minefield. The pressure to connect quickly, manage social cues, and keep up with messages often turns even the most dedicated dater away. Hinge’s Love & ADHD D.A.T.E. Report unpacks these complexities, spotlighting the realities of dating at the intersection of ADHD and LGBTQIA+ identity while offering practical guidance for building more meaningful connections.
According to Hinge, the journey of dating with ADHD is marked by challenges around communication and social cues. Findings reveal that 64% of LGBTQIA+ daters with ADHD worry about saying the wrong thing, while 75% feel misunderstood by their matches. The struggle is often compounded by the fast pace of messaging expectations.
These misunderstandings can fuel common misconceptions: that ADHD daters are ghosting, ignoring, or playing it cool when, in reality, they may just feel overwhelmed or struggle to find the right words.
To help bridge the gap in understanding, Not Safe For Queers sat down with Moe Ari Brown, Love and Connections Expert at Hinge, to discuss how to navigate these challenges with confidence.
The D.A.T.E. Report highlights unique challenges for LGBTQIA+ individuals with ADHD in the dating world. What do you think are the most significant factors contributing to these struggles?
If you’re dating as an LGBTQIA+ person, you’ve got to navigate through unique social and political challenges. ADHD can add another layer of nuance for LGBTQIA+ daters as it can challenge time management, emotional regulation, and social interactions.
Often, there are stigmas associated with being either LGBTQIA+ or having ADHD, but for people who are at the intersection of those identities, even messaging a match can cause anxiety. In fact, 64% of LGBTQIA+ daters with ADHD feel worried about saying the wrong thing.
Like you’ve just mentioned, Hinge has revealed that almost 2/3 of LGBTQIA+ daters with ADHD worry about saying the wrong thing. How can daters manage this?
For any dater who is LGBTQIA+ and has ADHD, I find these three tips come in handy:
1. Normalize saying the wrong thing and prepare to ACT (Acknowledge, Correct, Try Again). I encourage daters with ADHD to release the pressure to “say the right thing” and just be their beautiful authentic, and very human selves….but if (and when) we do say the wrong thing, I find it’s helpful to plan how you will address harm when it arises.
2. Practice Positive Self-Talk. Every person has strengths that help them overcome dating challenges. While you might worry that your ADHD symptoms will prevent you from connecting with dates, it’s important to reframe negative thoughts with positive ones.
3. Practice Reflective Listening. The great thing about getting to know another person is that there is a lot to be curious about. If you find yourself wondering what to say or worried about saying the wrong thing, practice reflective listening.
The report also reveals that 75% of daters with ADHD feel misunderstood by their matches. What advice would you give to those who want to communicate their ADHD traits to potential partners effectively?
1. Share what you feel ready to share and what feels relevant to the relationship. Start with identifying what you want them to know about how ADHD impacts your life. Though you may feel ready to share your ADHD symptoms as they relate to how you navigate dating, you may not feel ready to share all the other details about ADHD with your partner(s). It’s important that you only share what you feel ready to share and disclose more as you build comfort in the relationship.
2. Communicate what you want them to know about how you navigate dating as a person with ADHD. If you desire to manage expectations around how often you message back or acknowledge that you’re working on not interrupting others when they are talking, sharing the reason you are disclosing about ADHD can help your partner(s) apply this information to the context of your relationship.
3. Tell them what you want from them. After offering insight into how you navigate dating as a person with ADHD, it can be helpful to give them something tangible they can do to keep supporting the connection. Let’s say you communicated to them that ADHD sometimes makes it hard for you to stay on top of messages on dating apps (like Hinge). In this instance, you might ask them to send their availability for a phone call so you can connect with them and hear their updates in real-time. Being honest about what you want will help prevent misunderstandings around expectations.
Finally, ADHD daters are also more likely to find small talk. How can people with ADHD navigate initial conversations—and make their way to a first date—without feeling overwhelmed?
Three things I’d recommend trying are:
1. Showcasing your interests on your profile. Integrate your passions into your Prompt responses. By mentioning it upfront, you’ll attract like-minded people and spark more meaningful conversations.
2. Keeping a list of questions on your phone to ask your matches. We form stronger connections when we ask questions, because they allow people to reveal unique details about themselves.
3. Getting to the date faster when you’re both comfortable. Hinge has found that it’s essential for daters to get out on an IRL date as soon as they feel comfortable in order to solidify the connection. Research shows that the sweet spot is after around three days of chatting.
Hinge’s Love & ADHD D.A.T.E Report is out now.