Bisexual Awareness Week may have come and gone this year, but Moe Ari Brown (Love and Connection Expert at Hinge) is continuing to advocate for the bisexual community by sharing their tips on overcoming what they’ve coined the ‘prove it’ pressure.
“Bisexual people are the majority of the queer community, but a large percentage of us struggle with coming out,” trans, non-binary advocate, Moe Ari Brown, tells Not Safe For Queers. “And that’s because, quite often, we’re being presented with this pressure—we call it the ‘prove it’ pressure—to validate our identities for other people in a way that feels good for them, but not necessarily in a way that’s authentic to us.”
“So, what starts to happen is that we feel this pressure to have to continuously come out. We feel like we have to prove our queerness by being in a queer relationship,” they say.
This external pressure to reaffirm one’s sexuality isn’t a new phenomenon by any means. But what many people might not realise are the different ways that this pressure manifests itself depending on gender. In fact, oftentimes bisexual people are only acknowledged when they’re in certain relationships (that is, if their sexuality is even accepted in the first place).
“I think bisexual women quite often experience the misconception that they’re more attracted to men—no matter how many times they explain that they’re not just attracted to men,” Brown explains. “But then the opposite happens with bisexual men, where their bisexuality questioned because they date men.”
“It’s interesting, but it’s also very unfortunate, because it makes it really hard for us to love who we love.”
However, Brown insists that there are ways to overcome this ‘prove it’ pressure, from daily affirmations to surrounding yourself with vocal allies.
“My number one piece of advice is something that I would do, and that’s repeating to yourself every single day that you don’t have anything to prove. Remind yourself every day, and let that be your mantra, because I believe that our thoughts inform our beliefs, and our beliefs lead to actions that shape the rest of our lives,” says Brown.
“The second thing that I’d encourage people to do is compassionately correct people when they’re wrong. It is uncomfortable when you’re first starting out, but I urge bisexual people to get more practice letting people know that you’re here and you’re queer.”
In addition to this, Brown stresses the importance of ‘dressing queer’—something that both they and their wife do. “When I’m with my wife, people might assume that we’re heterosexual, so my wife does a lot of things like wearing queer shirts and wearing ear cuffs…anything to look more queer so that we’re not being read in a way that feels like a lie,” they say.
But the burden of overcoming these pressures shouldn’t fall entirely on the shoulders of bisexual people, says Brown. “I want allies to always remember that allyship is a verb. So, start with that same idea of compassionately correcting other people. But also spend time really celebrating and affirming the bisexual people in your life.”
“When you’re an ally, you should be stepping in and interceding for the bisexual people in your life in a variety of ways.”
Moe Ari Brown (they/them) is a trans non-binary relationship therapist, public speaker and LGBTQIA+ advocate. They’re a member of the It Gets Better Board of Directors, a co-host of the Be Your Own Love Goals podcast, and the Love and Connections Expert at Hinge.